Memory of you
by Midnight dream-catcher
Summary: But it wasn't without that hint of regret. Levi was filled with so much regret. Regret that he pushed Eren away. Regret that he couldn't protect Eren. Regret that he wasn't strong enough to say "I love you". Although he was the one to tell Eren that life was full of disappointments and to accept their outcomes. And now, he's crying over the loss of the one who mattered the most.


_In the undeniably spick and span room of Lance Corporal Levi, __Eren would always wake up after Levi every morning, asking him why he didn't get up first. And Levi would always lie and say, "You have a killer grip on my hand, shitty brat."_

_And Eren would always laugh, "Yeah right, you could easily get out of it. You just want to watch me sleep, Corporal Levi."_

"_Levi. It's just 'Levi' when we're alone." would come the reply, but only to avoid admitting that yes, he just wanted to watch him, and ignoring the fact that he'd spent the past hour or so just running his hand through Eren's soft locks, breathing in his scent and just holding him, wishing he'd never disappear from his grasp. Ignoring the fact that he loved Eren's sleeping face and was admiring it and caressing it and planting light kisses all over his flawless skin all while softly whispering endearments into his ear._

_Then Eren would laugh again. The laugh that Levi loved to hear. The laugh that Levi had to always make conscious effort not to smile at but fail to anyway. And all of this happened with both their hands remaining intertwined under the covers._

Levi woke that morning to find his bed cold and empty, as the absence of a certain brunet left him feeling more alone than ever. All hope that everything that had happened was just a bad dream vanished. Groaning that an old man such as himself should've learned to cope with losses, he forced himself out of bed (without bothering to make the bed), got ready and went to change.

But suddenly, his whole room looked so much duller without a bright pair of teal eyes staring at him in admiration (and love- but thinking about that made Levi's heart throb painfully). And he was forced to admit to himself that the pair of eyes wandering over his body as he changed every morning weren't exactly unwanted.

"_See something new, brat?" Levi would always ask in annoyance._

_And Eren would walk over to him, wrap his arms around Levi's waist and hum agreeably in his ear._

_But Levi would push him away, muttering that he needs to get ready, and Eren would comply silently._

_Levi wishes he hadn't. _

As the memory dissipated into thin air, Levi could nothing but clutch his head in his hand and wish he hadn't been such a stupid, stubborn little asshole. (And he later realized that that was the first time he'd ever insulted himself using his height and blamed Eren for it- and that only made things hurt more.) Eren had a huge hold over Levi, and Levi knew that. But it wasn't as if Eren knew that, and Levi sure as hell wouldn't tell him.

Or, maybe he would if Eren was still around, so maybe his mind wouldn't be filled with countless possibilities of what could've happened if he didn't keep all of his feelings to himself.

As Levi passed the mirror in his bathroom, he couldn't help the sharp ache in his chest, seeing the brass basement key dangling from his neck glistening under the ceiling light.

"_L-Levi… Here, I want… you to have this…" Eren trailed of breathlessly, eyes half-closed and crimson blood pooling on the ground as he gently pushed his basement key into Levi's hands. _

"_E-Eren…?" Levi has never heard his voice sound more fearful. Because he knew he wouldn't be able to bear losing Eren. Because… He loved Eren. He loved Eren far more than a superior should, and their relationship was far from professional. And he loved every minute of it. From the stolen kisses to the secret hand-holding under the dining table to the sleeping together in the same bed and just breathing each other's air. Levi loved it all, and the thought of it all vanishing terrified him._

_Levi loved it all, but he just couldn't say it._

_Pride, was it? Or maybe he just wasn't built for actual relationships. Everyone he ever cared about seemed to just die before his eyes. Petra, his whole squad, Eren. And he never seemed to be able to protect them. Perhaps Hanji or Erwin would be next. _

_Levi didn't think he'd be able to take it if things ended up that way._

_It took a while after Petra's death for Levi to open up to the boy and finally accept his feelings. Because as much as he refused to show it, he really did care for Petra and deep down, the knowledge of the possibility of Eren dying tortured him from the inside. But now, he wishes he wasn't such a damn stubborn fool who didn't even dare to reach for what he wanted and let his fears go sooner. Then maybe he would've had more time to spend with the boy._

_He was never one to hesitate, or hold himself back for the matter. So why was Eren so different? Maybe… Levi never really loved someone until Eren? Where had all the bravery and courage that stemmed from being Humanity's Finest go? _

"_Levi… Make sure you find out what's in the basement. For humanity…." Eren trailed off._

"_Eren, you fucking piece of shit, don't you fucking dare die on me, you got that?" the pain in Levi's voice surprised him, because he knew he'd never been more scared in his life._

_But still, at Eren's deathbed, Levi still managed to insult him. _

_And still, Eren looked up at Levi with only love in those gorgeous eyes of his, caressing his cheek as he whispered, "I love you, Levi."_

"_I… I…" Levi couldn't say it. He just couldn't. The three words were caught in his throat, and none of them could come out._

_And at that moment, just before Eren's eyes closed, Levi swore he saw a flash of pain in those teal orbs._

That was probably why relationships never really worked out for him. Hell, his cupboard was more affectionate and the big-ass trees in that forest have more personality and _fuck_, Erwin's eyebrows would probably be better at social interaction than he was.

Somehow, Levi managed a low chuckle at his shitty humor that he used to degrade himself.

But it wasn't without that hint of regret. Levi was filled with so much regret. Regret that he pushed Eren away. Regret that he couldn't protect Eren. Regret that he wasn't strong enough to say "I love you". The irony of it all was that he was the one to tell Eren that life was full of disappointments and to accept their outcomes. Yet here he was, Humanity's Finest, crying over his mistakes that made him lose what mattered the most. And the worst was, he didn't even know how much Eren mattered to him until he was gone.

Levi saw his tired, lifeless eyes reflected back to him on the bathroom mirror, arms clutching the edges of the sink as his eyes flitted across his face, past the dark circles due to a night of unending nightmares and down the cheeks which Eren used to pepper loving kisses onto and over the lips that Eren would forcefully claim each night.

It took Levi everything he had in order to not break down and cry.

Still, he could feel Eren's hands over his face, and though his fingers were rough from handling the 3DMG, they felt featherlight and smooth to Levi. Still, he could feel the unexperienced, wet kisses Eren would trail all over his face, and though Levi would make fun of his amateur attempts, he couldn't say he didn't enjoy it as it was something unique to Eren.

"Shit, I'm really fucked up, aren't I?" Levi muttered to no one in particular as he began washing up.

Re-entering his room, he picked up the clothes he haphazardly threw onto the ground the previous night when he had tossed himself onto his bed and buried his face into the pillows that Eren used to fluff for him- just how he likes it.

_But I'd choose you over a perfectly fluffed pillow any day. _

Slowly and against his better judgment, he inched towards the deflated pillow, reaching out before swiftly snatching it into his arms.

_Eren._ _The pillow smells of Eren. _

And Levi tried to name the scent. Tried. He couldn't seem to place any other name to it other than "Eren". Instead, he focused on inhaling the scent as his heart began pounding twice as fast.

At that moment, his breathing-in-Eren-from-his-pillow session was interrupted by several quick knocks on his door. Levi jerked his head upwards, sharply glaring at his door. "What do you want?" he answered flatly.

"Hey, Levi… It's me. Erwin wants to see you," Hanji said apologetically, feeling bad that she had to bug him when she knew he was still upset about Eren's death.

"Yeah, okay. Tell him I'm coming," he paused, before adding, "…shitty glasses."

From outside the door, Hanji smiled at the insult. At least Levi was trying to go on without being too affected. Although she wished he wouldn't hide his feelings from everyone else, she knew that it was what made him Levi.

A few minutes later, Levi stepped out of his room, and he and Hanji began walking towards Erwin's office in a silence that was rare with Hanji around. Breaking the unsettling silence, Levi asked as monotonously as he could, "Where's his body now?"

"Levi," she scolded, "you _know _I was given specific orders not to tell you."

"Yeah, yeah."

Erwin was worried that if Levi knew where Eren's body was, he wouldn't leave his side. Erwin wasn't exactly wrong to think that, though.

The two didn't exchange any more words until they reached Erwin's office. At the door, Levi felt something pool in his stomach, telling him not to go in. But Hanji forced him to anyways.

"I'll leave you to it, then," Hanji said and walked off to do god-knows-what.

Levi knew she was just trying to be understanding and not aggravate him any more, but her uncharacteristic behaviour was just plain uncomfortable, though he appreciated it all the same.

With a deadpan expression, he stared at Erwin, "What did you want me for, Erwin?"

"Levi…" Erwin's voice was mild and laced with caution, "I thought you might want to do this."

Before Levi could call Erwin out on not being the sort to walk on eggshells over a mere death, he glanced at the clipboard that was held out to him. His eyes widened as any intention of a retort was lost. Gritting his teeth and willing the pain in his chest away, he forced a "thank you" before snatching the board over.

Face devoid of emotion, he quickly scribbled on the sheet of paper clipped to the oak board and dropped it on Erwin's desk without so much as looking at him. Without waiting to be dismissed, he quickly left the room, not wanting to be anywhere near the words on the board.

Erwin ignored the disrespect, understanding how Eren's death affected Levi, as much as he hated showing it. Instead, he looked down at the clipboard flung on his desk, reading each and every word, though he already knew what it would say.

_Name: Eren Jaeger_

_Age: 15_

_Birthday: March 30_

_Height: 170cm_

_Weight: 63kg_

_Status: __Alive _**Deceased**

Erwin could only imagine how much it probably pained Levi to write that one word. It was like being the one to pen down a confirmation that your worst nightmare was true and there's nothing you can do to help it.

Levi's feet moved swiftly as he made his way back to his room, brushing past the remaining members of the Scouting Legion who were just as careful not to bother him. Much to his annoyance, Hanji had her back resting on his door, definitely waiting for him. "Fuck off, shitty glasses. I have things to do," he glared at her coldly, wanting nothing more than to be on his own.

Ignoring Levi's words, Hanji's expression softened as she pressed something cold and hard into his palm and closed his fingers around it. "Levi… As much as it pains you and me, he's not coming back."

Even before he unclenched his fingers, Levi knew what it was. The key to his room that he intended for Eren. The one that he naively left under the doormat outside his room. _Just in case,_ he had told himself.

And Levi knew, that no matter how much he tried to believe it, Eren wasn't coming back.

It was a while after Hanji left before Levi had calmed down enough to sit at his work desk, and he almost called for Eren to bring him some tea.

Mentally chiding himself for his over-dependency on the brat, he got up and shuffled to his mini-kitchen to make his own tea. Seemingly out of habit, he called out to his bedroom, "Hey, brat, do you want some-"

Oh.

Even though he managed to stop himself mid-sentence, he realized that he had already poured the second cup of tea.

Oh.

There was absolutely nothing going through his head as he stiffly sat by his coffee table, one cup of tea in front of him and the other at Eren's usual spot. He pictured Eren facing him, smiling and laughing and being a complete nuisance but Levi not minding a single bit.

With a pained expression, Levi regarded all his treasured possessions resting on the table. Eren's basement key. Eren's spare key. Eren's cup of tea. Eren's cloak, still stained with blood, that Levi couldn't bear to wash.

_Eren's this. Eren's that. Eren, Eren, Eren._

And in the drafty air of his room, Levi broke down.

Slamming his fists on the table, he finally let the tears he had to forcefully bite back all day go as all his pent up frustrations were released in one shot. The tears flowed from his eyes, unhindered as he dropped his head towards the table.

"E-Eren… I love you, okay? I love you, you fucking brat, so please… Please come back to me… Eren…" Levi cried to the table, words wracked with sobs.

Levi cried and cried, but now, not just because of Eren. He let all the pain and all of his regrets finally take over him as he finally let the deaths of all his comrades get to him.

Petra. Gunter. Erd. Auruo. Eren. And many, many more.

All of them were dead because Levi couldn't protect them. He wasn't even there when most of them died.

_Before, Levi sometimes had moments of breaking down as well. Except Eren would always be there to hug him and tell him its not his fault and that he wouldn't leave him, ever._

"Liar," Levi whispered, "Eren, you fucking liar."

And somewhere along the line, someone began knocking on Levi's room door, but was ignored by Levi, who drowned it out with the continuous repeats of his memories with Eren replaying in his heart.


End file.
